Pauline Aksay

In The Back of Your Head

A woman runs from her relentless memories as she tries to speak at her friend's vigil.

“In The Back of Your Head is a 2D, hand-drawn digital animation about a woman working up the courage to speak at her deceased friend's vigil. Vivid memories haunt the woman as she steps into scenes that had foreshadowed her friend's death. These visions depict an after-school theatre crew prep session, a chatty table during Prom night, a cap-tossing moment on Graduation day, and finally, the morning the protagonist learns of her friend's passing. In the concluding scene, the woman faces her fear and finds the strength to speak to a crowd of mourners. This film is deeply personal. It recounts the day I found out about my friend's death. She was an extraordinarily talented filmmaker who struggled greatly with her mental health. The film's title, "In The Back of Your Head," is a poignant line taken from the very last piece my friend had made, which was finished posthumously. The film places my memories within the context of the vigil I attended that night, reinterpreting each memory as a sign that something was very wrong with my friend's thoughts. In hindsight, I wish I had paid closer attention to my concerns. This film is my attempt at grappling with that regret. I use broad, painterly brushstrokes to evoke the hazy and subjective nature of memories. To contrast this, a muted, solid-coloured palette grounds the woman in the present. Each memory is real, and countless hours were spent pouring over objects and photos in order to remain as honest as possible. Staying faithful to my lived experience took precedence over everything else. As a result, the film took its mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll on me: it was difficult to view Graduation and Prom photos without crying. It was challenging to be constantly reminded of what had happened. There were many times when I wanted to cave in to my emotions and quit. Like my film's protagonist, though, I knew I had to tell this important story. Formally, the film was inspired by Winter Memories by Zahra Kababian; Triangle Noir by Marie-Noëlle Moreau Robidas; and Flâneur by Ruiming Wu. The simple, yet descriptive gestural pencilwork of Winter Memories and Triangle Noir give honesty to their respective narratives. Flâneur is an excellent example of the impressionistic brushstrokes I ended up using for the protagonist's memory scenes. Further inspiration for In The Back of Your Head came from Undone on Amazon Prime Video, a TV series that offers few distinctions between memory and present. My film attempts to incorporate one into another in a similar way. In The Back of Your Head offers a much-needed discussion on mental health, loss, grief, and healing. Making this film was cathartic, expressing my sorrow and releasing some of the guilt I carry for not doing more to have helped. My hope is that In The Back of Your Head can emphasize the importance of reaching out to loved ones who are struggling. Let's not wait until it's too late. ”