Maria El-Chaar

Grief, Gratitude, Illness & Insanity

Self Portrait

“This piece is a story. A story of what I witnessed during the pandemic of 2020-2021. Dealing with four losses and fighting the battle of relapse from mental illness all over again. I wish I had spent more time with my uncles and I wish I never left Lebanon where my grandmother was buried alone. I look away in this piece because my focus is gone. I am no longer in this world but in my own mind. I’m tired, drained and restless. I am pale and am breathing infected air. Air that is thick but not only because I got infected with Covid-19, but also because I couldn’t take part in all of the memorial services for the deceased I once loved. I am disabled from my anxiety disorder and my thoughts, actions and mind are all distorted. Surrounded by a mess in the air. My surroundings are empty yet my mind is going to burst and I feel trapped in a cage unlike, my bird I rescued during this pandemic in hopes of making a friend. She has become my only friend that doesn’t ask me how I’m holding up with all the grief and why I am so distant to this world. She needs me but I need her more. I have become a master at looking normal and masking all of my struggles. But I barely wear my mask as I choose to stay in lockdown. The reason I am still “fine” is because of my faith... my relationship with Christ has strengthened and I am reminded how strong I am and how grateful I should be with the necklace my grandmother gave me before she too died from Covid-19. My goal is to help you understand my hurt, my confusion and my mind that won’t stop spinning. Lockdown was a blessing to me. ”